1 00:00:01,480 --> 00:00:03,280 I think I'd remember if you told me you were hosting 2 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,280 a charity fundraising night in memory of Dad. 3 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:06,840 - Why? - Because he's not dead. 4 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,360 Wah-wah-wah! 5 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:10,400 I'm just so bored. 6 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:12,800 Please, can I pop to the petrol station? 7 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:14,200 Well, of course you bloody can't. 8 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,760 - What if you're seen? - I'll wear a disguise. 9 00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:18,000 Is Geoff the one 10 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:19,480 who shoves petrol pumps up his jacksie? 11 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:20,920 No, that's Pigfish. 12 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:22,160 You mustn't tell Neha. 13 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,640 We can't keep lying to her. We tell her the truth. 14 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,520 No, we definitely can't do that. 15 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:29,320 Mum, please, this is fraud. You can go to prison. 16 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:32,600 Look, I am sorry that your dad has died, 17 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,040 but just being rude to me 18 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,480 is not going to bring your father back. 19 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,240 Evening, all. 20 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,760 You massive twat! 21 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:46,280 Oh... Thank God that's over. I'll tell you something. 22 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,160 You needn't worry about me ever having an affair. 23 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:50,080 I did not enjoy all this lying. Yesterday, right, 24 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,200 I was having a Yop. 25 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:52,920 I normally wolf them down, don't I? 26 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:55,640 Not this time. Kept getting caught right there. Stuck. 27 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,400 I thought it was acid reflux, but in hindsight, 28 00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,080 I think it was just anxiety. 29 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:01,720 Are you gonna kiss me? 30 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,320 I am the police! 31 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,640 How can you not see the problem that your dad faked his death? 32 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,800 - I can... see it. - Yeah. 33 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,320 I can see it. 34 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,240 I just think it might be better if we don't look at it. 35 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:14,960 Your parents must give that money back. 36 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,280 You need to tell him to come clean. 37 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:18,320 Of course. OK. 38 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,680 What about the jet washer? 39 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:06,800 Good morning, darling. 40 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,800 Oh, hello. 41 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,280 I've got your pills. 42 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,840 - There we are. - Uh... 43 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,120 Drink up. 44 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,560 Thank you. 45 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,440 - Deborah... - Don't worry. 46 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,640 I'm not gonna smash your legs in and make you write a book. 47 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,240 You were having one of your Parky thrashes 48 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:32,480 again last night. 49 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:34,040 - Oh, God, was I? - You were like a pig 50 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:35,880 with its head stuck in a fence. 51 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,320 Thank you for your sympathy. 52 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:39,000 You are welcome. 53 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,280 Deborah. Debbie... 54 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,000 Hmm? 55 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,760 Are you gonna leave me like this? 56 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,000 I think it's for the best. 57 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:50,600 Oh, it was just a nip to the petrol station. 58 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:54,120 Yeah, but you're meant to be dead, dear. 59 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:58,080 Deceased. Demised. Expired. An ex-William. 60 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,760 Which means no more nipping or zipping 61 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:05,520 or dipping or popping or whipping or even schlepping. 62 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,760 I was careful. I wore the wolf hat. 63 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,520 You got into a car with a serving police officer! 64 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:13,480 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah! You're a moron. 65 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:17,960 But you're my moron. 66 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:24,560 - ...if he continues to do that. - I ain't touched her bread! 67 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:25,960 You crawled over when you thought 68 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,760 I wasn't looking, but I was looking. 69 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,080 Oh, I know you were looking, you swivel-eyed crone. 70 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,160 - Crone?! - Let's keep it civil. 71 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,880 That is abusive language! 72 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,160 Constable Fendon, could you...? 73 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:39,640 Sorry. Right, what exactly is the problem here? 74 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:42,400 I'm seeing it, saying it, sorting it. 75 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,640 He has been stealing the bread off the floor 76 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,000 that I was saving for the birds. 77 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,960 - Is that true? - No. 78 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,000 So why are you hiding your bag, then? 79 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,320 Am I going to have to check the black helicopters? 80 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,760 You know those cameras see everything. 81 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:55,840 Do you want to tell me the truth? 82 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,760 Truth is open to interpretation. 83 00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,720 Just empty your bag, Rupert. 84 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,560 - Thief! - All right. Let's not gloat. 85 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,000 Come on, mate. 86 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:11,680 Is she gonna arrest him? 87 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,880 It's a very complicated situation. 88 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,600 Why don't I take you to the drop-in 89 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,080 and get you a nice hot drink? Hmm? 90 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,520 - It's closed. - What? 91 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,200 Since when? 92 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:21,960 Bye, then. 93 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:24,240 No, that's a disaster. 94 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,560 I guess the council's spending all its money 95 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,240 on black helicopters. 96 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,000 Probably not ethical to confirm conspiracy theories 97 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,560 - with people like him. - Works, though. 98 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,880 - Do it on George all the time. - He's stealing bread, 99 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,080 and I'm the bad guy. 100 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,320 What will it take to get some justice? 101 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,280 - What on earth are you doing? - It's for his own good. 102 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,600 Stop him escaping again, like Ronnie Pickering. 103 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,720 - Who's Ronnie Pickering? - The Great Train Robber. 104 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,640 No, Ronnie Pickering wasn't a Great Train Robber. 105 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,160 Well, maybe not great in the truest sense of the word, 106 00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:57,960 but he was pretty bloody effective 107 00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,480 until they caught him. 108 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,840 Ronnie Pickering wasn't a train robber, great or otherwise. 109 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,720 Oh, my God. Are you saying they got the wrong man? 110 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,040 No. He's saying you don't know 111 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,760 who Ronnie Pickering is, and we don't either. 112 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,520 - So who do I mean? - Oh, it doesn't matter, Mum. 113 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:09,680 We have bigger fish to fry. 114 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:10,920 Give me a letter. What does it begin with? 115 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:12,000 - Don't give him a letter. - R. 116 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:13,560 Not for Ronnie, for the surname. 117 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,960 Oh... Um, B? Or maybe D? 118 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,120 Is anyone listening to me? Hello? 119 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,800 - Is it Ronnie Wood? - No, no, it's not him. 120 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:20,000 - Guys! - He's in that band, 121 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,840 - The... Who? - Ronnie Wood. 122 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,720 I don't mean who, I mean The Who! 123 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:25,160 Jesus Christ, please just shut up! 124 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:26,800 - So do you know who it is? - Who is it? 125 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,280 No, Mum, please. No more Ronnies, please. 126 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,160 - OK, we need to talk. - Of course we need to talk, 127 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,360 but we're in the middle of something here. 128 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,440 Yeah, and I don't care. My marriage is at risk here. 129 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,320 Neha has been very, very clear. 130 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,200 You have to give the money back. 131 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:40,360 Right... 132 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:41,320 So, will you? 133 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:42,640 No. 134 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:46,120 - I can't. I can't! I can't. - Harold, 135 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,000 when your father was forced to retire, 136 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,560 that insurance company declined to pay out 137 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,440 because his symptoms didn't meet 138 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,320 the definitions of their policy. 139 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,200 Can you imagine being told 140 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:59,000 that your Parkinson's doesn't qualify? 141 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:01,880 When you can't get to sleep, you can't get out of the bath, 142 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,320 you can't even get an erection without some Viagra. 143 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,520 All right, my darling, let's keep some mystery. 144 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,760 My point is that that firm can swivel. 145 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,160 I get the point, but Neha is... 146 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,480 Neha, Neha, Neha! I know you're married, 147 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,920 but do you have to do everything she tells you to do? 148 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:18,960 Which reminds me. Would you mind...? 149 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,480 Not now, William! Debbie talking. 150 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,480 Now, look... Look. 151 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,600 I appreciate that this is tricky. 152 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:26,920 Tricky? 153 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,800 I hate to say I told you so... 154 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,520 But...? 155 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:33,520 I told you not to tell her. 156 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,440 You think this is my fault? 157 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,840 Oh, that's very big of you to admit that. Good boy. 158 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,480 Now, then, if you'll excuse me, 159 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,880 I've got something very urgent to attend to. 160 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,160 No, no, no, no, we're not done here. 161 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:45,400 Urgent, Harold. 162 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:46,840 Urgent! 163 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,320 - Mum! - If you want to do 164 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,800 something useful, go and google who Ronnie Pickering is. 165 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,640 Oh, Mum, please, we can't just brush this... 166 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,360 Oh, God. You're starting to sound like 167 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,200 one of those yappy little dogs that I hate. 168 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:00,760 Yeah, cos I'm very stressed out 169 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,240 and I don't cope well with it. The other day 170 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:03,960 I was having a Yop and it got caught right... 171 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,080 Oh, don't be such a boneless bloody bucket. 172 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,440 You think you're stressed? Try being me. 173 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:09,840 But your stress is stress of your own making. 174 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,520 Is it? Well, then, explain this. 175 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,480 Found that in my pocket at the bowls club last night. 176 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:20,640 Oh, my God. This is a...? 177 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,760 - Yeah. - Who sent it? 178 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,480 I don't know! 179 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,120 I mean, the choice of font is... 180 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,360 - What? Is it a clue? - I don't know about that, 181 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,640 but I mean, graphically, it's strikingly uninspired. 182 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,080 Yeah, you see, I initially thought 183 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,160 it was one of your jokes. 184 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:34,640 Mum, this is not a funny joke. 185 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,080 Yeah, that's why I thought it was one of yours. 186 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:37,840 Mum, come on, we're being blackmailed. 187 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,480 - What does Dad think? - I haven't told him. 188 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:41,840 God, he gets into a tizz 189 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,200 if the Aquafresh doesn't come out in clean stripes. 190 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,560 How do you think he'd cope with being blackmailed? 191 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,760 No. I need to get down to the club 192 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,320 and find out who planted that by accessing the CCTV. 193 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,800 How are you going to do that? CCTV involves computers, Mum. 194 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,560 Last time I checked, you can't open an email. 195 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,720 You don't need to be technical when you've got womanly ways. 196 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,480 - Oh, Christ! - People don't stop having sex 197 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,040 just cos they're in their 60s. 198 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:07,120 Yes, I know. Your generation is obsessed with telling us. 199 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,760 I'll have you know that your father and I 200 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,520 enjoy a very active, very experimental sex life, 201 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:12,920 thank you. 202 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,120 - Oh... - Despite the Parkinson's. 203 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,960 In fact, sometimes because of the Parkinson's. 204 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,480 Sometimes when he's had his pills, 205 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,120 he's got the libido of a young Calum Best. 206 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,200 Clive will be putty in my hands. 207 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,040 CCTV is only viewable by management. 208 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:38,560 But they are my favourite earrings. 209 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,720 And I am basically management. 210 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,080 No, you do three shifts a fortnight behind the bar. 211 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,120 And we have a robust cyber policy, 212 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,680 which I am not breaching for some earrings. 213 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,160 Now, if that's everything, thanking you. 214 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,920 But they were an anniversary present from... 215 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,160 ...William. Ohh... 216 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,920 You're... You're emotional. 217 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,000 It's just been so hard, you know? 218 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,680 It's OK. I understand your mental state 219 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,520 has been diminished by the death of your husband. 220 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:12,520 It's been so very, very, very, very, very hard 221 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,000 getting used to being single again 222 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,880 and the lack of... physical touch. 223 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,240 I-I-I think this would be best done 224 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,160 with one of the other women. 225 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,200 No. I need a man. 226 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:31,760 Clive, would you happen to have a robust policy 227 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,160 that covers loneliness? 228 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,640 Th-That might be covered 229 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,200 by a club's code of conduct, but in this case... 230 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,360 Sorry, I just need to swallow some saliva. 231 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:48,240 ...in... in this case... case, it's not in ours. 232 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:49,800 Oh... 233 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,400 You wouldn't, um, fetch me some tissues, 234 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:54,960 would you, pet? 235 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,600 - Yes, I suppose I could. - Thank you. 236 00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:59,800 Although you're not just getting me to leave 237 00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:01,920 so you can go on my computer? 238 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,320 Do you really think so little of me? 239 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,880 Why are you taking so long to answer, Clive? 240 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,560 OK. I'll go. Actually, come to think of it, 241 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,080 I've got some tissues right here in the drawer. 242 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,040 I always keep them near the computer in case... 243 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,360 Well, never mind why. 244 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:24,840 Here you are. 245 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,000 Ah! 246 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,040 Ah. No, you see, 247 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,040 those have got balsam in them, 248 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,080 - and I'm allergic to that. - Really? 249 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,840 Yeah. If I blow my nose on that, 250 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,280 my face will swell up like a baboon's arse. 251 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,840 Honestly, Clive, I was hoping you'd make me feel better, 252 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,840 - not worse. - All right, just wait there. 253 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,000 - I'll be right back. - Thanks. 254 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,480 Right. 255 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:01,760 Oh... Um... 256 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,400 Uh... 257 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:07,320 Bowls. 258 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,480 Oh, God. Bollocks. Um... 259 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,000 Oh, what could it be? Um... 260 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,360 Of course. 261 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,960 Men are so stupid. 262 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,800 Oh, buggery bollocks. 263 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,440 Debbie, where are you going? I've got your tissues. 264 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:33,920 Keep 'em. 265 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,480 You shouldn't use the balsam ones 266 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,120 for your monkey business, Clive. 267 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,040 You'll get a rash on your bell piece! 268 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:44,760 Right, you all saw that. I'm being harassed. 269 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,720 - I actually didn't see it. - Oh, yes, 270 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,160 we all know you're bloody blind, Jean. 271 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,200 What's a bell piece? 272 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,200 It's the mushroom-y bit on the end. 273 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,640 You know what? Don't worry about it. 274 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,240 Yeah, thanks for coming back to untie me. 275 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,560 Mad that's a sentence that makes sense in this family. 276 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,240 Come on, make a bit of space. 277 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,360 - Get that down there. - What are you doing? 278 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:14,680 Your mother has 279 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,920 a very transactional approach to marriage. 280 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,760 You know, when I'm in her bad books, 281 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,480 she withdraws my snuggle time. 282 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,600 Why are you both so obsessed 283 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,320 with telling me about your sex life? 284 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,960 I suppose we're just pleased we're still smashing. 285 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,440 Oh, my God. 286 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,440 That's why I'm trying to earn back some brownie points 287 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,520 by doing my list of jobs she gave me. 288 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,200 Yes... 289 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,560 "Get TVs ready for digital switchover." 290 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:41,720 How old is this list? 291 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,200 I'll admit that's been overly on the back burner. 292 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,280 Oh, my God, we haven't missed it, have we? 293 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,040 "Return VHS of Eyes Wide Shut to Blockbuster." 294 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:49,800 Good film. 295 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,520 Sexy... 296 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,560 "Sort cupboard of doom." 297 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,360 Yeah, that's what I'm doing now. 298 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,640 I mean, look, look at the date on that. 299 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,920 - Best before 1988. - You want to hang on to that. 300 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,640 That is basically an heirloom. 301 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,400 I'll treasure this when I'm alone in my bedsit. 302 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,600 Don't worry. You and Neha are gonna be fine. 303 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,440 Just do what generations 304 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,800 of brave Fendons have done before. 305 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:20,760 You grovel like a turkey with no shame. 306 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:22,920 Pfft! 307 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,320 Yeah, I get it. 308 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,680 So, how'd it go with telling your parents? 309 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,680 Oh, yeah. Yeah, fine. 310 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:43,800 And good news. 311 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:45,560 You are just in time 312 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:49,440 for pasta al chickeno alfredo al broccoli-olio... 313 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:50,960 Broccoli. Um... 314 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,720 Yeah. So, I've done all the washing, 315 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,560 the kids are in bed, 316 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,520 and can I just say... 317 00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,960 ...you look like a movie star tonight? 318 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,040 Oh, you pathetic worm. 319 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,120 You have to give the money back. 320 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:08,600 We don't want to. 321 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,280 Debbie, I'm trying to help. 322 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:14,000 If you come clean now, with your... good characters... 323 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,600 - Impeccable. - ...you might 324 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:16,800 get away with community service. 325 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,800 Yes, I might, but what about his criminal record? 326 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,960 That was just a caution. 327 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:23,960 Yeah, but a caution for indecent exposure 328 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,040 is not going to go down well, is it? 329 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:27,760 You got a caution for indecent exposure? 330 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,760 - It sounds worse than it is. - Right. Yeah, 331 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:30,840 cos it sounds quite nonce-y. 332 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,240 It was a simple misunderstanding 333 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,440 coming back from a work do in Birmingham. 334 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:36,760 I thought, before driving home... 335 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:38,560 I told him to take the train. 336 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,800 ...I'd treat myself to a nice takeaway curry in the car 337 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:45,400 and, as you know, I do tend to rather overindulge. 338 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,080 And unfortunately, I ate so much 339 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,200 that I had no option but to loosen my trousers. 340 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,360 No option? 341 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,920 But then I had a couple more bhajis, 342 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,320 you know, for the road, and I thought, 343 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,640 "Do you know what? I'm going to be a lot more comfortable 344 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:02,000 "if I just let my trousers right down 345 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,640 "and let the whole area breathe a bit." 346 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,760 Why does your brain work the way it does? 347 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,520 The pickle arose when I started 348 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:09,760 to feel a bit sleepy. 349 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:13,040 I dunno, must have been weaving a bit, before I know it, 350 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,760 there's flashing blue lights in the mirror 351 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,000 and the police pull me over 352 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,480 and it's all, "Step outside of the vehicle, sir. 353 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,560 "Keep your hands where I can see them." 354 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:22,960 And your trousers were...? 355 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,360 - Yeah. - They thought you'd been...? 356 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:26,880 Yeah. 357 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,040 But I wasn't. I wouldn't! 358 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,840 I couldn't, frankly, after all that curry. 359 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,560 But mud sticks, 360 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:37,560 as unfortunately does cucumber raita. 361 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,680 And that is why we can't go to the police. 362 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,080 And that is why I never eat poppadoms. 363 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,280 Anyway... Come on, bacon puff, anyone? 364 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:48,680 Found them in the cupboard. 365 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,840 Pre 9/11, but still up to snuff. 366 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,400 No, they can't, because they've got 367 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,680 to rush off. Haven't you? So thank you for coming over, 368 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,320 and we really appreciate your support and your concern. 369 00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,760 Are you for real? 370 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:02,400 You think we can just carry on life as normal? 371 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,640 Um... 372 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:06,800 Yeah. 373 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:09,480 Harry? 374 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,320 Oh... 375 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,560 I don't think we're hurting anyone. 376 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,560 Yeah. So... 377 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,960 OK, then you leave me with no other option. 378 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:27,320 Deborah Fendon... 379 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,640 Deborah? Don't call me that. That makes me feel like 380 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,760 - I'm getting told off. - Deborah Fendon, 381 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:32,800 I'm arresting you on suspicion 382 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:33,800 of committing fraud by deception. 383 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,520 You do not have to say anything, 384 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:36,560 but it may harm your defence 385 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:38,080 if you do not mention when questioned 386 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,240 something which you later rely on in court. 387 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,120 Anything you do say may be given in evidence. 388 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,760 You know all that off by heart? 389 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,600 Are you going to come quietly? 390 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,240 Well, am I permitted to poo first? 391 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,080 Uh... yeah. OK. 392 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,160 - Did you see that, Harry? - Yeah. 393 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,600 That is how you do it. 394 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,280 Sorry. Too busy to be arrested. 395 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,240 Crikey. Haven't seen your mum move like that 396 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:26,520 since they had 50% off UGGs at Bicester Village. 397 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:30,520 Neha, wait, please. 398 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,800 I cannot associate with criminals. 399 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,720 Criminals? We're not criminals. We're... 400 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,880 - We're Wallace and Gromit. - You two might be, 401 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,040 but your mum's a penguin 402 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,680 with a rubber glove on her head. 403 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,160 - I'm going. - Hang on. I'm coming with you. 404 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,080 No, you can stay here. Actually, in fact, 405 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,040 you can live here until you and your parents 406 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:47,600 learn the difference between right and wrong. 407 00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,240 I need to find Mum. 408 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,360 Oh, could you let me know when you have? 409 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,920 Because I'm in her good books again, 410 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,320 and before she gets back, 411 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,040 I thought I'd have a nice bath and maybe pop a Viagra. 412 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,560 What makes you think I would possibly need to know that? 413 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,480 You can have me hat, if you like. 414 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,000 So's whoever you're hiding from don't recognise you. 415 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:36,040 What, is it that obvious? 416 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,680 It takes one to know one. 417 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,520 - Hmm. - A word of warning. 418 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,080 If you are out in the village tonight, 419 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,360 make sure you got protection. 420 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,280 What, like condoms? 421 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,360 No. 422 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,240 Something to ward off evil spirits. 423 00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:50,880 Right. 424 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,120 Most effective armour I've found is petrol. 425 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,480 That's why you...? 426 00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,600 - Exactly. - Hmm. 427 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,200 Well, look, I'm glad you found 428 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,280 something that works so well for you. 429 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,400 I think I'll probably just stick 430 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,920 to the vitamin D myself. 431 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,240 You stick that up your arse, do you? 432 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,040 It's broken Britain, Pigfish. It really is. 433 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,360 Oh! 434 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,600 Want me meant to spark him while you make a run for it? 435 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,640 He's my son. If anyone's going to spark him, it'll be me. 436 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:41,400 How did you find me? 437 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,480 Well, you've always sought salvation in batter. 438 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:44,920 How did it go with Clive? 439 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,240 Couldn't even get past the password. 440 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,280 Yeah, you did well to turn the computer on. 441 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,200 You used to not even be able to do that. 442 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,160 It was on already. 443 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:00,800 Let me drop you home. 444 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,320 Uh... Uh, no. That's OK. No. 445 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:05,720 What? 446 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,280 Me and Neha are having a bit of a break. 447 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,520 Neha and I. 448 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,800 Well, that's not good, is it? 449 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,440 - No. - No. 450 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,000 Aw. 451 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:25,960 Well... 452 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:29,080 - Come here, come here. - Thank you. 453 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,040 William! We're back. 454 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,760 Dad? 455 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,320 Help! 456 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,640 Dad! 457 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:53,720 - Help! - Where are you? 458 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,080 In here! 459 00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:00,160 Oh! Oh, Jesus. Are you after another police caution? 460 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:01,800 No, I'm stuck. 461 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:03,680 I had one of my Parky freezes. 462 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:04,920 Ohh... 463 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,760 I've been here for three bloody hours. Oh... 464 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:10,600 Why didn't you wait for me? 465 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,560 I was just getting ready 466 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,280 for the, you know, the snuggle time. 467 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,040 Oh? Oh, yes, so I see. 468 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,080 - Hello, friend. - Oh, come on, please, guys! 469 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,920 - It's getting abusive now. - Oh... 470 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,280 There we are. 471 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,320 Just help there. That's it. 472 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:26,600 - Oh, God. - There we are. 473 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,120 Got it? 474 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,280 Thank you. 475 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,480 Debbie. 476 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:05,920 Can I come in? 477 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:19,200 You and those boys are the most important thing in my life, 478 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:23,040 and I was a rotten pig to do anything to risk that. 479 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,560 If I took the rap, do you think 480 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,040 I could keep William out of prison? 481 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:31,560 I don't know. 482 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,200 Either way, I've, um... 483 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:39,560 I've got a list here of where all the money's gone, 484 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,680 just in case it helps you get it back. 485 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:43,920 You've spent a lot. 486 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,120 I know, but it doesn't go far. 487 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:49,320 - What's that? - Oh, that's Geoff's taxi fund. 488 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,200 Yeah, for his hospital visits. 489 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:52,600 Mm. 490 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,800 - And this? - Yes. That was a big splurge. 491 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,360 I paid for Billie to see a sleep expert, 492 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,000 because, honestly, when she's snoring, 493 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,920 it's like a walrus is being crushed to death. 494 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,000 So I thought I'd get her checked for sleep apnoea 495 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,600 because it can kill you, you know, sleep apnoea. 496 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,800 Halfords, £400? 497 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,240 Yeah, that's Harold's jet washer. 498 00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:13,960 He does love it. 499 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:16,360 He told me it was 200 quid on sale. 500 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,840 - Five grand. What's that on? - Yes. 501 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,040 I haven't spent that one yet 502 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,480 because I was waiting to see 503 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:25,960 if you and Harold would help me. 504 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:29,280 It's a GoFundMe for the drop-in centre 505 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,120 because I was just chatting with Pigfish, and apparently, 506 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,160 they've been totally shafted by the cuts. 507 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,040 I mean, it's broken Britain, Neha, really. 508 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:44,120 So, shall we go t'station, then? 509 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:50,560 On balance, I think I'd prefer a custodial sentence. 510 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,440 You know, I've seen what community service entails. 511 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,760 It's gardening, litter clearance, 512 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,120 scrubbing graffiti off walls. 513 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,560 And frankly, it looks shit, you know? At least in prison, 514 00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:02,480 I can spend 23 hours a day in my cell. 515 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:03,800 You know, a lot less work 516 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:08,000 and could even get ripped and... bummed. 517 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:11,520 Is that a good or a bad thing? 518 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,160 It's... it's a thing. 519 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:19,200 I must confess, there's a bit of me that is relieved. 520 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,520 - How come? - Some frigger 521 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:24,600 has found out about William and sent me a blackmail letter. 522 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,480 Are you joking? 523 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,040 No, look. Look. 524 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:30,720 Not while I'm driving, Debbie. 525 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,000 No! Sorry. Sorry, sorry. 526 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,840 So after you've taken me down, 527 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:37,480 promise me that you'll find this bastard 528 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,520 and nail his bollocks to his backside. 529 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:50,440 Oh, you missed the turning. 530 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:52,960 What's going on? 531 00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:57,040 Neha? 532 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,640 Here we go. 533 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:09,520 Come on, then. 534 00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,520 - What's going on? - Get back in the house, you! 535 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,040 - You're meant to be dead. - Come on. 536 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,920 I may be a copper, but first and foremost, I'm a pragmatist. 537 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,240 Also, your uncle's a drug dealer, 538 00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:35,240 so you can't get too high on your horse. 539 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:36,880 That was never proved. 540 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,360 He was just looking after it for a mate. 541 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:41,440 Oh, 14 tonnes in a warehouse. His warehouse. 542 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:44,880 Ignore him. He's just a blooming pedant. 543 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,120 The important thing is, thank you 544 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,160 for seeing this isn't just black and white. 545 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,440 - Shamone. - No, not now. 546 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,440 So I might not agree with what you've done, 547 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,280 how you've done it, why you've done it, 548 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,320 where you've done it, and who you've done it to, 549 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,240 but ultimately, I can't disagree with charity. 550 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:04,400 So as long as we keep doing the right thing, 551 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,120 I think I can look the other way 552 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:07,680 on a few other bits and bobs. 553 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:09,840 So, just to be clear, 554 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,680 you mean the fake death, the fraud, 555 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,200 and her evading arrest? 556 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,840 - Yeah. - Hmm. 557 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,920 - Are we all on the same page? - Yeah. 558 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:19,120 Yeah. 559 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:22,120 Oh, I don't love that term - "same page". 560 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,440 It's like all those other Americanisms. 561 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:26,320 So aggravating, aren't they? 562 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,680 You know, "moving forward", "do the math", 563 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,920 "I'm going fanny packing". 564 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:32,240 - And grey squirrels. - Yeah. 565 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:33,720 What's that got to do with it? 566 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:37,040 American invaders, you know? Horrible little rats, you know, 567 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,840 eating our native red squirrels out of house and home. 568 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,680 Well, that's really not to do... 569 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:48,360 - Please, guys, can we focus? - Yes, entirely focused. 570 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:50,000 - You carry on. - Yeah. 571 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,840 Cheese bite, anyone, from the year we invaded Iraq? 572 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,000 Yes, please. 573 00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:55,880 - Now... - What comes first...? 574 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,200 I love you. 575 00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:58,920 I know. 576 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:00,480 Now say what you really want to. 577 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:02,160 I'll get that. 578 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,720 Can we keep the jet washer? 579 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,160 Yes! 580 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:09,560 Hello. 581 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:11,960 Hello? 582 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:13,680 - Mrs Fendon? - Yeah. 583 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,280 I want my money. Colberton petrol station, 584 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:17,480 midnight tomorrow. 585 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:24,680 Who was that? 586 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,440 Uh, Ronnie Pickering.